Normal Struggles of Marriage

One of the most discouraging and, ultimately, destructive ideas people have about marriage is that it's supposed to be easy. It's not easy and there are many good reasons why. For one, we always come to marriage in a state of partial development. And we always marry someone who is well qualified to remind us of our deficiencies. We all have a long way to go. Our best hope is to find someone who will be patient with us while we continue growing.

We may wish for "unconditional positive regard" but we'll have to settle for respect--and conditional, at that. Adult development is a process of differentiation. Another word for differentiation is individuation. It means becoming an individual, a self. The thing that stands in the way of this is our identification with our parents. For better or worse, our parents live inside of us, as us. We hear their voices throughout our lives and we take on qualities they had. We also project these qualities onto our spouses. Usually, we'll choose someone who already resembles our parent in some way. If our choice is not entirely accurate, we will attribute parental qualities to our spouses where they don't quite exist. This happens unconsciously.

Then, in the normal marriage, we will fight with our spouse as though they were our parent, as though they were judging our worthiness. We need to complete our growing up and this is the normal way to do it. It is paradoxical that marriage invites emotional dependency while requiring emotional independence. We want someone who will comfort us and whom we can count on for various services and favors. At the same time, we need someone who is an individuated self and who will accept our own individuated self. We want both love and freedom. This is an achievable goal. But it only comes when we develop respect for our spouse's individuality as well as our own.

To do this we have to finish with our parents. Finish trying to be good enough, smart enough, tough enough, nice enough, and finish rebelling, too. Be yourself and let your spouse be. That's enough, already.

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Article Submitted On: October 12, 2010

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