Having Communication Problems? Get the Right Help

"We are having communication problems," the caller lamented. "We have been fighting ever since our honeymoon one year ago. Neither of us feels heard or understood by the other. We love each other, but we just can not communicate." As a marital therapist, the most common complaint I hear from couples who contact me for help is communication problems. In the early years of my practice, I used to invite distressed couples to come in and let me teach them more effective communication skills. Now, I know better.

What have I learned?

Insight: Most distressed couples are too distressed to make good use of communication skills training. Yet that's where many therapists start with distressed couples: trying to teach them how to communicate better. It's a mistake. The partners are so angry that they just use their new communication skills to beat up on each other all the more. Their fights get worse! Later on after their distress has been alleviated and anger has abated, learning to communicate better may help, but not at the start. Numerous research studies show a high failure rate for communication skills training when use to treat distressed couples, yet this continues to be the treatment of choice for many therapists. Tip: If you're in relationship distress and a therapist you call wants to teach you communication skills, find another therapist.

2. For most distressed couples, communication skills training misses the mark.

It doesn't address the real issue. It's kind of like putting a band aid on an infected wound. The band aid won't cure the underlying infection. Couple communication problems, though real, are usually a symptom of something deeper: a breakdown in the bond, or emotional connectedness, between two spouses. Because of this loss of closeness, the sense of safety and security in the relationship has gone out the window. Neither partner trusts the other to be genuinely concerned about his or her welfare. If neither partner trusts the other, then what good are communication skills? No wonder many distressed couples who are taught communication skills go home and keep right on fighting. Until the broken bond is repaired and trust is restored, communication skills training probably won't help. Tip: If your relationship is in distress and you're having communication problems, start by focusing on repairing your broken bond, not on learning new communication skills. Ask: "What's happened to our closeness? What's happened to our trust? What can we do?"

3. Insight: When it comes to repairing broken bonds, many relationship experts agree that the most effective therapy approach is Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT).

This is a revolutionary approach that helps distressed couples get back their closeness and trust. When they do, distress is alleviated, anger decreases, and communication automatically improves. More than 25 years of research shows that with EFT, 75% of distressed couples recover completely and another 15% improve significantly. In other words, 90% get better! At two years follow up, almost all have retained their gains. I'm the first therapist in our seven-state Rocky Mountain Region to become fully trained and certified in EFT. I've had more experience using this approach to help distressed couples than any other therapist in our part of the country. Tip: If your marriage is in distress and you're experiencing communication problems, find an EFT therapist.

With EFT, you'll repair your broken bond and regain your closeness and trust. Then, you'll communicate a lot better and fight a lot less.

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Marriage Is Not What I Expected - 3 Problems That You Can Fix to Save Your Marriage

Marriage is not always what people expect. Sometimes it is incredible, while other times your expectations are greatly unfulfilled. But hey, thus it is with life. We do not always get things exactly the way we want them. Fortunately, that is not an insurmountable problem. You can work to change and improve your life and your marriage. If your marriage is not what you expected then you are not the only one. Love makes it easy to imagine what your future will be without allowing realistic foresight for the normal and even reasonable challenges that lay ahead. Now that you are slightly more seasoned, no I did not say old, you can work towards making the life that you want and reinvigorating your marriage with joy and love.

Here are three common problems that you can fix to help save your marriage:

1. Marriage is not what I expected - We do not spend enough quality time together

The emphasis here is on the word quality. Most likely you spend plenty of time around or in the company of your spouse; however, you need to think about the quality of that time. Is your spouse being fulfilled by this time? Are you? In order to solve this problem you need to start breaking some of the habits you have formed in your marriage. We are very good at forming habitual behaviour towards and with the people we see every day. Oftentimes, these habits are detrimental to a happy marriage. Increasing the quality of the time you spend with your spouse is a great step in the right direction.

2. Marriage is not what I expected - We fight a lot

This is an example of one of the poor habits that we often form in relationships and in marriage. If you are serious about saving your marriage you have to start working actively against creating conflicts with your spouse. I cannot emphasize this enough. These conflicts often happen for other reasons, like the fact that you are stressed from work perhaps; this usually means that fights often occur over fairly minor things. When you are fighting over something that seems like a big problem someone has to give way. You are there for each other, not there to be against each other. Remember that although marriage is not what you expected you have a chance to support and 'be there for' your spouse.

3. Marriage is not what I expected -We don't have fun together anymore

Do you remember what it felt like when you held your partner's hand for the first time? Or the first time you kissed? In those days, you knew how to have fun with each other. Do not forget that. You can have fun like that again. Things like inside jokes, playfulness, and creative nights together can go a long way towards saving your marriage and infusing it with greater joy.

If your marriage is not what you expected then you are not alone. There are many challenges that lead MANY people to the same point. Remember, however, that this situation is within your power to change.

Of those people with similar problems thousands have taken their situation into their own hands and helped save their marriage from divorce. If you have the will and, to you, your marriage is worth saving, then you can do it! There are many ways that cost a lot of money and are not more than 10 - 20% effective, like marriage counseling.

Here is a resource that has been featured in Psychology Today and was designed to help people who have thought: marriage is not what I expected. There are answers and there is help that can work for you if you want it. You can save your marriage.

Now is the time to start saving your marriage: http://howtosaveyourmarriagequickly.info/.

I earnestly hope that over the following weeks you will begin to experience more joy and fulfillment in your marriage. I wish you all the best.

Sincerely,

Ben

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Ben_Dadd

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2 Steps to Dealing With Problems in Your Marriage

All couples should have the common goal of making their marriage the best it can be. Each party of the marriage is responsible for putting in their own time and work to making the marriage more successful on a daily basis. Learning to deal with your problems immediately as they arise is a key step in a successful marriage. Even if you have the most wonderful marriage in the world, there is probably still room for improvement and growth.
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Have you ever met a married couple that had been married for 40, 50, and even 60 years? Many of these happily married couples are some of the happiest people you will ever meet. This is a result of spending a lifetime building a relationship and making it stronger day by day. Many of these marriages have had to reignite and sparked a flame over and over to keep their marriage alive and success. You must make a commitment to do this on a daily basis if you want the same result.
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No matter what the problem in the marriage is, you must be able to define it with pure clarity. Your spouse may be messy and leave dirty clothes and old food lying around the house. He may not show his wife much affection and watch too much TV. His wife may have gotten caught up in too much neighborly gossip and is arguing with neighbors about nonsense. One may be criticizing the other's family members and do not want them around. Whatever the problem may be, no matter how serious it is, it must be clearly defined in order to be able to solve the problem. Your first step is to define it with clarity.
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Both the husband and wife need to confront the problem head on before another major problem from the small problem arises. Choosing the right time to confront the problem is a key step in solving it peacefully. Whatever the two of you enjoy doing together as a couple, set aside one evening to do it. It may be going to your favorite restaurant or an evening walk by the river. After you have completed your favorite evening together as a couple, this is the time you should sit down and put your heads together to solve the problem at hand. Each of you should be able to convey your issues peacefully and nicely. It may help to hold hands while exchanging words. This may sound a bit counterintuitive, but it does work. Make sure you communicate effectively and in detail what your issue is and what your solution you would like to happen would be.

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Article Submitted On: October 11, 2010

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