Don't Think, Don't Be Important

Women learn that their thoughts are invalid and expect men to discount their feelings. A man is allowed to be angry. Anger is an expression of his manliness. If a woman is equally angry, she is "castrating." This epithet or its counterparts, "tit-biter" or "nippier," are never applied to angry men. Somehow, anger and aggression in a man are signs of potency; in a woman they are signs of destructiveness or perversion. If a woman is upset, "what she needs is a good lay (which only I-a man- can provide)." A man may say, "Why cry? There's no reason to cry," to a woman who typically is putting a lot more emotional energy into their relationship than he is. That is what, in our culture, she is supposed to live for.

In an oppressive and mystifying way, men and women avoid confronting each other and talking straight:

F: Are you mad at me?

M: Why should I be mad at you? What do you mean, mad?

F asked a valid question. M skirted it. Not only didn't he answer her, but he acted as though she were asking a foolish question. (This technique also keeps the woman around and hanging on. The man is holding back from answering the question, but some day he may answer, if she asks in the right way.) The epitome of this technique is the game "I'll Do It When I'm Damn Good and Ready."

Husband offers to fix the plumbing, which delights wife. Husband shuts off the water in the house, disconnects the toilets, then notices that he is tired and decides to take a nap. He awakens in time for dinner and an evening of television. (Wife has run next door to get water to prepare dinner and has sent junior to the corner gas station to go to the bathroom.) One month later, wife is worn to a frazzle and still bugging husband to fix the plumbing. He retorts, "I'll Do It When I'm Damn Good and Ready." Wife ends up a not-O.K. nag, and she keeps stroking him daily for his long-term holdout. IDIWIDGAR players, like the legendary Scheherazade, want to keep the other guy interested and hooked. They do it by holding back and by both frustrating and promising. Men are half expected to forget birthdays and Mother's Day. Such responsibility usually falls to the woman-because she remembers. Women become family strokers, the nurturers of sentimentality and caring.

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